The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
