He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
