why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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