Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
