She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
