I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
