i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
