...so i touched it.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
