thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
