You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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