Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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