Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
