i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
