I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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