I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I came so hard my ears popped.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
