Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pants are for mortals
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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