Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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