Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
