I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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