he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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