So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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