I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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