it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
