The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
