Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
