I want to walk on stilts...naked
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize