At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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