I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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