Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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