shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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