I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
