hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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