i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
