Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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