Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
