Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
