remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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