That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
