he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
