he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i will never coherently bang her
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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