The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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