sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
