Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I didn't notice because vodka
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
