wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
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When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
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I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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