hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
