I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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