every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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