You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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