it was like eating out sand paper
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex