she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart