I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
