my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
