some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
