How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
