Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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