Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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