Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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