I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
