You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
nutella sex= disaster
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
