I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
