Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
