i just wanna soil my oats bro
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Vodka?
Forever.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
